5 things everyone should know about consent
Navigating relationships and sexuality in college can be exciting and challenging. It can help to understand what consent really means, why it's so important and how to practice it in your own relationships.
Here are five things to know about consent.
1. Consent comes first
Before engaging in any sexual activity, it’s necessary to establish consent. This is true regardless of your current relationship status or sexual history.
Think of consent as a continuous agreement between sexual partners. It can be communicated through words or actions that demonstrate a shared understanding and agreement for a given sexual activity. This practice provides each person with the opportunity to set personal boundaries and understand the boundaries of others.
Establishing affirmative consent requires a level of safety and vulnerability to share what we want and remain open to the potential of being disappointed, disappointing someone else or being rejected. While this can feel challenging, it’s important to recognize that open and honest conversations about sex are essential and make the experience better.
2. Consent is fluid
Consent is less about agreeing to do something and more about agreeing to try something.
People can—and often do—change their minds about what they want to or are willing to do sexually. If you or a partner signal that they want an activity to stop, that choice must be respected, even if they were initially okay with it. Additionally, agreeing to one sexual activity doesn’t mean the person agrees to other sexual activities, the same activity at a different time or the same activity with a different person. For instance, making out with someone doesn’t imply it’s okay to take it further.
Keep in mind that some people may not feel comfortable communicating their boundaries or desires directly or explicitly. Many students have little or no experience with sex, may be inexperienced with different types of sex or navigating sex with a new partner. We may know or have ideas about what feels good for us, but we can’t know what feels good for someone else. It may be difficult for someone to articulate exactly what they want, especially if the experience is new. That’s why it’s important to be tuned into different signals to avoid overstepping someone’s boundaries. It can also be helpful to confirm continued consent. For instance, you can ask things like, “Does this feel good?” or “Let me know if you want to stop or do something different?”
3. Consent can be verbal or physical
Consent can be expressed both verbally and physically. Sex requires flexibility in how people communicate their willingness to engage in different activities.
Verbal consent means that a person is using words to convey clear permission. Physical consent, like non-verbal body language and facial expressions, conveys permission through actions. No matter how consent is communicated, it’s important that it creates a mutual understanding that something is wanted. Keep in mind that if you’re relying on a single cue to signal consent, you might be missing other important information that may communicate someone’s consent or non-consent.
Here are some examples of what consent can look like:
Consent can look like...
- Direct, brief answers that give permission (e.g., yes, absolutely, etc.)
- Concrete planning (e.g., “I’d love to! Now?”)
- Direct eye contact
- Moving closer
- Nodding and smiling
- Initiating touch in response to a suggestion
- Reciprocating touch
Consent doesn’t look like...
- Indirect answers or pauses (e.g., “I don’t know right now” or “Maybe...I’m not sure.”
- Avoiding eye contact
- Looking closed off
- Leaning away
- The way someone is dressed
- A reward for favors (e.g., gifts, rides, money, etc.)
*A person who does not want to consent to sex is not required to resist.
4. Incapacitation doesn’t count
Anyone who is incapacitated by alcohol, drugs or anything else cannot give consent, regardless of what they’re saying or doing.
Incapacitation is a state where someone cannot make a reasonable or rational decision because they lack the capacity to understand the “who, what, where, when or why” of a sexual interaction.
Keep in mind that the use of alcohol or drugs, in and of itself, does not render a person incapacitated, nor is it a defense against an allegation of sexual misconduct. The impact of alcohol and/or drugs varies from person to person. Someone who is aware or should know that an individual is incapacitated and engages in sexual activity with that individual, is in violation of university policy and the law.
Some signs of incapacitation that may indicate a person is unable to consent:
- Disorientation, which could include a person losing track of where they are or who they are with, being confused or unable to remember basic information, or repeating themselves (lack of short-term memory).
- Loss of motor control, which means a person may not be able to do basic things like insert a key in a lock, not be able to get something out of a wallet, not be able to dress or undress themselves or walk on their own.
- Unconsciousness, including being asleep or passed out.
It can also be helpful in sexual relationships to talk through how you both feel about having sex or doing sexual activities while under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
5. Work together to improve your experience
Open and honest communication is the cornerstone of a fulfilling and satisfying sex life. By creating an environment where both people feel safe to express their desires, concerns and boundaries freely, sexual partners can create more intimate and enjoyable sexual experiences.
Remember, good sex looks different for different people, and it's an ongoing process of discovery and mutual care.
Here are some topics to consider discussing:
- What is something that I do that really turns you on?
- Is there a new position or activity you’d like to try together?
- What are your favorite forms of foreplay?
- Do you have any fantasies you might like to explore?
- What makes you feel most comfortable and safe during sex?
- Are there any things that make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe?
- How can we better communicate our needs during sex?
- How do you want me to talk about your body or refer to specific body parts?
- What can I do to make you feel more satisfied during and after sex?
When having conversations about sex, it’s important to not shy away from more sensitive subjects like past experiences that may influence your current preferences or anxieties. These conversations also don't have to be formal—they can happen naturally during quiet moments together, over dinner, in the car or lying in bed.
Through open communication, you can create a sex life that is not only consensual but deeply satisfying for you and your partner.
Campus resources
There are a number of resources on campus that can support your sexual health and relationship well-being.
SexEd Workbook
This guided workbook can help you explore what sex means to you, how your own body experiences pleasure and more. This is a great place to start when thinking through sexual experiences and considering questions you may not have considered before.
Skill-building workshops
The Office of Institutional Equity and Compliance (OIEC) offers free discussion-based sessions to help students explore sexual decisions and communication. Topics include consent, pleasure, boundaries and sexual assault.
Sexual and reproductive health
Medical Services providers are here to support all CU Boulder students learn about their bodies and take care of their sexual and reproductive health. Services include exams, birth control, gynecological services, vaccines, HIV prevention and more.
Safer sex supplies
Students living on campus can order a free Buff Box that includes supplies and information about safer sex, including condoms, lube, dental dams and more.
Students living off campus can stop by Wardenburg to pick up free safer sex supplies.
STI testing
Students can schedule an in-person or telehealth appointment to get testing recommendations, review results or order STI tests from the lab. Drop-in testing is also available at the lab in Wardenburg Health Center.
Let’s Talk
Let’s Talk is a free service where CU Boulder students can check in for an informal, brief and confidential consultation with a counselor to discuss relationships, sex, gender and more.
Apothecary Pharmacy
The Apothecary Pharmacy at Wardenburg Health Center provides prescription medications and over-the-counter products, including emergency contraception, condoms, pregnancy tests and more.
Office of Victim Assistance (OVA)
OVA provides free and confidential information, consultation, support, advocacy and short-term, trauma-focused counseling services for students, grad students, faculty and staff who have experienced a traumatic, disturbing or life-disruptive event, including, but not limited to, sexual assault, intimate partner abuse and harassment.
Confidential resource
Sexual assault includes any unwanted sexual contact or behaviors that a person did not or was not able to consent to.
Sexual assault can include, but is not limited to, the following:
- Unwanted penetration, including vaginal, anal or oral sex. This also includes penetration by an object or another person’s body part(s).
- Unwanted touching of someone’s butt, breasts or genitals.
Keep in mind that attempted touching, contact and penetration are also considered sexual assault. Sexual assault can also include going against an established mutual agreement, such as agreeing to have sex with a condom and then lying or removing it without a partner’s knowledge.
Important: Under Colorado law, a person under the age of 15 cannot legally consent to sex with someone who is four or more years older than they are. A person who is 15 or 16 cannot legally consent to sex with someone who is more than 10 years older